I get asked the question all the time, “Why did this person wait so long to come forward? Why don’t victims come forward as kids?” And the answer is complex. The reasons are though that most victims are what we call compliant victims. When a child’s abused, it’s typically not the stranger with the overcoat in the park, it’s usually by somebody that the child knows and trusts, and they’re groomed. The grooming process is something where the predator takes their time, they get the trust of the victim, they’ll get the trust of the family, they’ll buy gifts for the victim, they’ll touch them in not inappropriate ways at first, and they’ll do things so that eventually, when they actually have sex with the child, the child feels guilty.
Because the child knows, well, physically they’ve complied with it, even though a child can’t consent obviously to sex with an adult. But in a child’s mind they feel that maybe they’ve done something wrong. They’re guilty. You know, a typical child, when they have sex, doesn’t come home and tell their parents at dinner, “Oh, I had sex today.” So can you imagine when it’s an adult, someone that the family probably knows and trusts, who’s having sex with the child, this is a secret that the child is going to keep.
Predators often will then use intimidation, threats, tell the victim no one’s going to believe them. So all these things play onto the child, and they kind of try to put it away in their mind and want to go on with their lives. When they turn 18, now they’re living their lives, they’re moving forward. It’s not like they get a note saying, “Oh, if you’ve been abused now you need to come forward.” And so they’ll tuck it away. Unfortunately, as they grow and they become adults and live their lives as adults, the problems from the abuse start to seep out, and eventually they reach a point where hopefully they’re empowered enough to come forward and get help.
They might see another victim come forward, they might see their perpetrator being named by another victim, or they might have enough family members saying to them, “Hey, what’s wrong? Why are you acting this way?” And they know the answer, and eventually, hopefully that they’ll get help. And even though a victim may not come forward as a child, it’s not too late to come forward as an adult, and that’s when the healing can begin for them, at any age. And so it’s important for a victim, who did not come forward as a child, to come forward, to take empowerment from other victims and make that step.